Fighting the cold November Brain

As we get into November and approach certain dates, it’s a time that brings back some tough memories for me. Not because the autumn or November is bad in itself, but because when something difficult happens during what’s supposed to be a joyful season it can leave a lasting mark on your psyche.. your family.. your memories.

In my case, November is when I lost my mom. It was the opening round in the loss of parents phase of life.. It was also around the time my whole family was dealing with a COVID wave, and we almost lost my nephew to it while he was in the hospital.

Traumatic times like that can cast a heavy shadow.. Every year it feels like that creeping darkness settles more over the season. Times does not always heal, you just deal.

Even now, I sometimes catch myself tense around this time of year—not because it’s happening again, but because the memory tries to trick me into feeling like it still is.

But the reality is: it’s over now. To remember how heavy something felt, while also knowing that life has moved on from it.

You may be like me. I’ve always loved fall, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s changed a bit. Doesn’t it feel like it just gets darker every year compared to the previous? The air gets colder, your bones creak a little more .. but it’s still a season of beauty. The crisp air, fall festivals, Boilo heating on a stove, bonfires, football games, traditions.. So there’s still warmth here, even alongside the memories.

And that’s the point, I guess. We can remember what happened, and should remember, but we don’t have to live in those moments anymore. They’re memories now. They shaped us, they changed us, but they aren’t happening today. The only thing that is happening right now is, well.. right now. This is it. The future is not occurring.. the past happened already. None of it is happening now and none of it matters beyond what it created your brain to feel and respond to.

Sometimes it feels with grief and mourning we are constantly in a Pavlov’s dog scenario.. we respond to external stimuli and don’t stop to do a reality check that the past is not repeating–unless we rewind it and replay it for our own brains. It’s like an old VHS tape so worn out that the tracking can’t even be adjusted anymore (remember that issue with VHS tapes 🙂 ) ..

So be kind. Don’t rewind.

We all have mile markers in life that we can be coerced into thinking are permanent structures.. they aren’t. They are just pinpoints of memories, good, bad.. indifferent. Just passing moments in a large array of ‘things’ and events that happen.

Memories should not be diminished. They were important when they took place. It mattered what you wore to a wedding many Octobers ago to the point that you shopped for a new dress, or a new tie. But that same piece of wardrobe is either now donated or resting snugly in the back of your closet. Maybe one day you’ll find it and wonder when you got it and why..

But that is life! The important of moments are fleeting. A top story on the news today is under the fold tomorrow..

We don’t know what happens when we are gone. We can assume there is an afterlife.. we can also assume there is nothing. But over thinking where we go becomes an albatross over our present tense existence. And let’s face it, no one–my mom included–has come back to converse about where they went. Billions of people who passed away.. and they either found the light or are contently non existent. Of course that light could be a big bug zapper in the sky, so we better be careful when we eventually see it.

The brain is strong–but also could fall into the traps of nostalgia or memories on repeat. You do not have to repeat your mistakes–you also don’t have to repeat your achievements. Each day, each hour.. each minute, all is new. Once the sun sets on a day your present tense is rest.. the new future is coming but you cannot only be regulated to planning. Just stop and smell the coffee.. enjoy the moment. Live the moment and be one with the reality you’re in. When you accept the ‘now’ you can work in the now to change what you don’t like.

So if you’re going through something hard right now, I say this with honesty and experience: it won’t last forever. One day you’ll be on the other side, looking back. And even though you’ll remember how it felt, you’ll also know you made it through.

We learn from the past, but we don’t have to get stuck there.

And trust me — I’m reminding myself of that just as much as I’m saying it to anyone else reading this.