Singing the quiet Christmas song out loud

We read a New York TIMES article questioning why there are so many sad Christmas songs? It’s a great piece if you had to read it..

And it is a great question.. It got me to thinking, one of the most popular of Christmas stories is one about ghosts visiting a stark capitalist who doesn’t care about a wheelchair-bound boy.. and a cartoon about a blockhead who seems to be disdained by his friends..

Christmas season is supposed to be good. That’s what we’re told, right? The lights, the music, the movies, the scents, the traditions .. all the imagery is designed to make this the “happiest time of the year.” And I don’t want to take away any of that, because those things are good. They’re important and give us something to look forward to while holding the albatross of nostalgia around us.

But at the same time, this is the time of year when the bad things happen too. The life-altering things. The life-changing things. The things that, for some people, make Christmas never quite feel the same again.

A lot of people experience trauma now, during this season. Deaths.. broken pipes.. job loss. It happens in December like clockwork at times.. And it becomes hard to stay positive when pop culture is blasting Christmas songs and holiday cheer straight into your face. I listen to the music too .. even during some of the worst Christmases my family went through, I still played the songs, still tried to find the spirit wherever I could. But when you have kids, you have to keep a sense of normalcy.

You keep the traditions going even when internally you feel like you’re falling apart at the seams.

For me as well, December has become this strange emotional landscape. In all different years, my mom went into a nursing home in December. My dad was hospitalized twice in December. A water system broke in December. A heating system broke in December. My nephew almost died in a hospital in December. There’s more if you have time.. but we will bookmark it there.

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But the most mysterious time was December 2013. You also may have had a ‘moment’ like this.

My father was quickly growing very sick at that time, at the time we didn’t know why but it was getting serious.. I walked into the kitchen and saw him, and for whatever reason, my memory of that moment is not normal. The whole room felt white–glowing white. The table looked like it was floating, and I remember trying to hold it down. Yes, this sounds absolutely insane, I know that, and maybe it was stress, or maybe it was a high blood pressure moment, but that’s how I remember it happening.

Eventually my dad was taken to the hospital and my sister has her own strange recollection from the hospital that year during this situation. She swears my father said to her, “You were there,” and insinuated that she was holding death back from taking him. He wouldn’t even agree to emergency surgery unless she promised she would still be there afterward.

And during that entire week, there were so many little things that just didn’t line up with reality as we knew it. My sister always worked Mondays, but somehow this hospital visit seemed to fall on a day she shouldn’t have been working at all .. yet we both remember vividly that she was. Maybe she filled in for someone. Maybe life is a blur when disasters pile up. But it still doesn’t make sense.

The strangest moments came when my father was finally recovering, and I was driving him home from the hospital. My mom said to me on the phone, “Wish upon a star that everything’s okay.” And right then — no lie! A shooting star streaked across the sky in front of me. Sure, it could’ve been coincidence. But it was weird.. really weird.

Then the moment happened that I still cannot explain. As we were driving, we suddenly heard my sister and brother-in-law talking inside the car, through the speakers, even though my phone was not connected to anything and I had not called them (And this is 2013 technology folks) But we heard them. Full conversation. I was so startled I actually called them afterward and told them everything they had been saying.

Right after that, outside the windows, snow was falling. My dad looked at me and said, “This happened before, didn’t it?”

And I looked back at him and said, “Yes. It did.”

There was this deep, unspoken knowing .. the kind of moment you don’t forget .. that somehow, in some way, we had lived that exact scene before. Neither one of us could explain it. We never talked about it ever again. Not once. And now he’s gone. I never asked him what he meant by it. I never explored what I meant by it. Time ran out.

TIME RUNS OUT

That’s the thing:
We make Christmas plans, New Year’s plans, life plans, but we run out of time for the things that actually matter.

It’s the typical cliched conversation a the work Christmas party.. We say we’ll have the deep conversations “later.” We say we’ll reconnect “soon.” We say we’ll talk about the mysteries of life “when things calm down.”
But life doesn’t work that way.

And maybe that’s what bothers me about this season.. the holiday parties, the work lunches, the happy hours, the shopping that feels half-present and half-numb. We scroll Amazon, clicking nonsense into carts for people who don’t need it. We forget where the car is parked. We forget what we’re even doing in the middle of a store. We’re overwhelmed, distracted and oddly disconnected.

It’s not just that we’re not living in the moment.
It feels like we’re living in a different moment than where our feet are standing.

Time just slips and slips and slips. And we don’t even fully realize it until we’ve lost more of it.

Here’s the last thing I want to say, and maybe it’s the most important part of all:

Nobody wants to hear this at a holiday gathering, but we’re all going to exit stage left someday. For good. Not exactly a pleasant conversation starter and for sure a first date ender.. Say that at a Christmas party and you’re worse than Scrooge. But the truth behind it matters: life ends. It’s the one guarantee. And because of that, we should be talking more openly about the things that actually give life meaning.

Seeing a parent pass away changes you. Facing illness changes you. Losing a career and having to suddenly change life during financial personal crisis hurts .. not being able to afford the ‘Christmas cheer’ is haunting.. homelessness… war.. famine.. disease.. All under the bows and wreaths and mistletoe. Now that is often reality that we don’t want to consider..

Watching time run out changes you. Work still has meaning, life still has structure, but you see it differently. You understand what’s real and what’s man-made.

Christmas comes but once a year.
Make it the best. It could be your last .. God willing you will have a hundred more.

Same with summer. Same with every moment.
You don’t always know what’s going to become a profound memory until years later.

It seems we are all struggling this year to find the Christmas joy.

And if you, reading this, are trying too, you’re not alone.
We’re in this together.
We’re human.
And we’re speaking the quiet part of Christmas out loud.

People can call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org for themselves or if they are worried about a loved one who may need crisis support. No matter where you live in the United States, you can reach a trained crisis counselor who can help. If you or someone you know has a mental illness, is struggling emotionally, or has concerns about their mental health, use these resources to find help for yourself, a friend, or a family member: https://go.nih.gov/Fx6cHCZ .